Motormouths

Steve Rider (looking vaguely uncomfortable in an F1 paddock):
"Welcome to F1 itv for the European Grand Prix, and what an exciting day it is here in the heart of Europe's cliche region. I'm literally excited to be here for another round of the competition to find the least intelligible person on tv. Mark"

Mark Blundell (as ever incapable of not sounding like a remedial child what was dropped. On his head):
"And we got a storming race lined up on the cards today. Wiv Alonso and Shumacher on the front row there's bound to be fireworks at the carnival as all ver cars go into the first corner. This is a track what I done raced on a few times an it's really, um, good. I arksed Alonso's Boss Flavio Briatore what was Renaults tactics"

The Flav (for it is he):
"The car she is very fine right now, and we take ebbry chance to make berry good time Jess? But thees year I find more, ow you say? (waves arms) time"

Blundell:
"Ha yeah, um great! James Allen"

James Allen (Actually roaring into his microphone as flecks of foam garland his pie-hole):
"British hearts will be twitching in this, the cathedral of motorsport dreams, as knights of old take to the track to do battle with their mighty steeds of metal and fluids, some of those fluids specially developed by technicians, British technicians who proudly kiss their children and then literally go into space to find a tenth of a second."

Steve Rider:
"And I've just been told into my earpiece that we've achieved a critical mass of stupid words combined with appalling grammer, so I can now hand you over to Mike Brewer."


P.S.
A memo leaked from television regulator ITC shows it is now illegal to refer to Ayrton Senna, without the prefix "The late, great" anybody caught not using the honorific will have to spend two hours in a box with James Allen.