Holy roller

For over four years now church leaders in the US have highlighted consumption and pollution issues by asking "What would Jesus drive?" and it's a question on the lips of Anglican churchgoers now that the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has changed his car to a more environmentally-friendly Honda Civic hybrid

So what would Jesus drive?

29 percent of 4,000 UK church leaders said he would still walk. They say he spent his life talking to people and spreading the word of God, impossible from behind the wheel of a car.

Of those who said he would choose to drive, 17 percent thought his chosen vehicle would be a camper van. "He would probably brew up and tell stories whenever he stopped in a lay-by, often picking up listeners, " says Rev Andy Jowitt of Milton Keynes, who appears to think Jesus listened to the Levellers and had a disciple on a string.

Just behind, with 16 percent, was an electric bus. "It's eco-friendly," said Dr Roger Williams of Hampton Hill, Middlesex. "There would be room for the disciples, converts, enquirers and Christian publications. There could even be a prayer area."

The Rev Clive Jones, of Staplehurst in Kent, showing just how hip and in-touch he is says Jesus would opt for a car "despised and rejected of men - a Skoda". Pop round to Rev Jones vicarage to listen to some Jasper Carrot LPs and talk about God.

The poll was conducted by Congregational and General Insurance for the National Christian Resources Exhibition, held in Esher, Surrey, this week. Car makers will be among the exhibitors. The celebrity fuel-efficient car of choice, the Toyota Prius, only got five percent of the vote and clearly out of divine favour is the Porsche Cayenne Turbo, with just one percent. Jesus may be widely misquoted and misunderstood but clearly not a complete cunt.

So the clergy have no fucking clue. I turned to the good book, the biggest Haynes manual of them all to see if I could troubleshoot this spiritual repair job.

All this SUV talk is as old as the hills (literally if you believe this stuff), Jacob obviously had trouble on the school run with his large family...
Genesis 32 22 And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.

Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, the Hivite, and the Jebusite knew a reliable Honda saloon when they saw one...
Joshua 9 2 That they gathered themselves together, to fight with Joshua and with Israel, with one accord.

Jephthahs had a TR7, one with typically shit wiring...
Judges 11 31 I will give to the LORD the first thing coming out of my house to greet me when I return in triumph. I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering."

Of course we're forgetting the obvious answer, he's a carpenter. It's a white Mercedes Sprinter van with a copy of the Daily Star on the dashboard and a surly looking apprentice Jesus staring at you as he carves you up on the north circular. Bish bosh job done.