News drought

News agencies and reporters in south-east England are being urged to bring in bans on hosepipe stories to avoid the introduction of more extreme measures.

A report from the Environment Agency made the recommendation, saying the region was in a "serious situation".

The period from October 2004 to January 2006, should have seen a stream of soft-news stories about local characters and good hearted charitable stunts, but it was the driest in some parts of the South East since 1921.

Some commentators blame the drip drip effect of stories about the mismanagement of previously nationalised utilites. "I keep reading about senior management's huge pay deals whilst bills are getting bigger said one journalist. "They are trying to stop the stories, but the structure is so underfunded there's just no way to stop all of the leaks. Facts inevitably trickle out all over the place, it's very embarassing."

Sources at the government press office are less concerned. "The World Cup starts soon in Germany. The red-tops will be chock full of shite for the peasants, and the broadsheets can bemoan the bigotted attitudes of the fans. We could bury a story about Prescott skull-fucking a dead horse."