17 April, 2007

Grand Prick

Another Grand Prix, another sterling performance from the new boy. Well done Lewis. He seems a nice enough chap. And you can hardly blame the lad for the fact that every mention of his name has commentator James Allen gushing like a teenage schoolgirl.

Last season Allen was merely very annoying, a pitiful drone of cliches and misplaced hyperbole. But it can only be one more podium before he actually starts masturbating whenever he mentions the McLaren driver.

To dull the pain in Spain when F1 rolls into Barcelona we'll need to take action.

One for the Road
Competitors will sink a shot of vodka each time Allen

  • Mentions Hamiltons incredible fitness, and his athletic physique
  • Calls Raikkonen "the Iceman"
  • Compares the rev limit of these cars with "the Ford Mondeo that you have at home"
  • Invokes the spirit of Hill and Mansell like some kind of twat-voiced John Bull
  • Refers to "The late, great" Ayrton Senna

Competitors will have to shotgun a can of Stella when

  • Louise Goodman catches up with Jenson Button and David Coulthard halfway through the race
  • Martin Blundell mangles the English language so badly Steve Rider visibly winces
  • Martin Brundle barges into a minor Euro-Royal or engages in horribly stilted verbal jousting with Bernie Ecclestone (just get over all this flirting and fuck him!)

I expect to be hog whimpering drunk by lap 9.

6 Step to the white courtesy phone:

Blogger Roo shout your mess

And I thought I was alone with my commentary thoughts.

April 18, 2007 3:54 pm

Blogger MadMondo shout your mess

Expect to be unconcious after 40 seconds for Monaco - Hamilton's performance in last year's GP2 also makes liver failure an absolute certainty before the chequered flag.

April 18, 2007 9:05 pm

Anonymous Blognor Regis shout your mess

Grand Prix runs hot and cold for me. Some years I'm into it and others I'm not. I didn't even realise there was a race last weekend until late on Sunday.

Last year's highlight was Raikkonen telling Martin Brundle and the tea-time audience that he "had to go for a shit" during some presentation or other that he managed to skulk away from.

April 18, 2007 11:23 pm

Blogger Chris shout your mess

Yup BR, the powers that be have painted themselves into a corner with the rulebook - I can't remember it being so dull.

I prescribe manual gearboxes...

...and possibly proximity mines a la Wipeout.

April 19, 2007 7:28 am

Anonymous Anonymous shout your mess

God almighty, that made me laugh so much it brought tears to me eyes!

My hat off to you sir, you're a comic legend.

April 19, 2007 2:17 pm

Anonymous Anonymous shout your mess

P.S. I am wanking while I write this.

April 19, 2007 2:37 pm


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