Grand Prick

Another Grand Prix, another sterling performance from the new boy. Well done Lewis. He seems a nice enough chap. And you can hardly blame the lad for the fact that every mention of his name has commentator James Allen gushing like a teenage schoolgirl.

Last season Allen was merely very annoying, a pitiful drone of cliches and misplaced hyperbole. But it can only be one more podium before he actually starts masturbating whenever he mentions the McLaren driver.

To dull the pain in Spain when F1 rolls into Barcelona we'll need to take action.

One for the Road
Competitors will sink a shot of vodka each time Allen

• Mentions Hamiltons incredible fitness, and his athletic physique
• Calls Raikkonen "the Iceman"
• Compares the rev limit of these cars with "the Ford Mondeo that you have at home"
• Invokes the spirit of Hill and Mansell like some kind of twat-voiced John Bull
• Refers to "The late, great" Ayrton Senna

Competitors will have to shotgun a can of Stella when

• Louise Goodman catches up with Jenson Button and David Coulthard halfway through the race
• Martin Blundell mangles the English language so badly Steve Rider visibly winces
• Martin Brundle barges into a minor Euro-Royal or engages in horribly stilted verbal jousting with Bernie Ecclestone (just get over all this flirting and fuck him!)

I expect to be hog whimpering drunk by lap 9.