meep meep!

Bump, without the grind

In Philadelphia the police are using the same optical techniques that are employed at sports stadia to paint adverts on the pitch skewed precisely so they will appear 'correct' for the TV cameras - to test virtual speed bumps painted on the road.



From the point of view of the approaching driver they look like fairly convincing bumps, especially if you're going a wee bit too fast.

It's the perfect Daily Mail readers speed bump! Installed on your suburban street the locals can glide over it in their Land Rover Defender at 46mph* with impunity, whilst it penalises people who aren't from round here and don't realise it's an optical illusion, it probably helps with the house prices too. If we can convince Paul Dacre that they cause sterility in asylum seekers then their success in Middle England is assured.

I think they're a great idea as long as there is one slight adjustment:
They should be periodically switched for a very real, very solid concrete version every once in a while at random. The look on a driver's face as their sump is ripped out at precisely 46mph is a thing of exquisite beauty.



*Defenders go at 46mph everywhwere - this allows horsey women to tut as they are overtaken on an open country road and then catch up through the small villages.

Cross Town Traffic

Digital this digital that, its all very cool natch and who could deny the awesome changes that the 'digital revolution' have seen in so many walks of life? It is so much more than just the ability to find pictures of ladies in the nip. Apparently.

We are however analogue creatures - and the best way for humans to interact with their technology is often analogue. We are tool users with binocular vision and as such we like twiddly knobs and meaningful graphic representations of our stuff. (Yes we do need a rev counter to have a needle please car makers. A rev counter that just displays a number is about as useful as Heather Mills at an arse-kicking contest).

So how cool is this? Used from the 1940s to the 1970s in Australia these analogue traffic signals defuse driver impatience by displaying your waiting time in a groovy dynamic manner. And they look pretty boss too! Critics might suggest that they'll turn every set of traffic lights into a potential drag race, to which I'd respond - d'uh!

Their time has come again I say.*










* Do you get annoyed by other drivers at traffic lights who abuse 'local knowledge'. They know the timing of the lights and so they start creeping forwards against a red light because they know its going to change in the next few seconds? Wankers. Just think, these analogue traffic signals would wipe their smug cuntish behaviour out at a stroke, and for that reason alone they should be mandatory.