30 July, 2007

I thought he rode a bike

Spotters badge goes to Ian for this...

Complete Holiness Restored In Sir's Transport

23 July, 2007

Do not disturb

Frustrating news for commercial travellers the length and breadth of the nation, budget hotel chain Travelodge is expected to announce the removal of all pornographic pay-per-view TV channels from its 20,000 bedrooms.

After a long day spent sitting in contraflows and drinking plastic tea attempting to convince a firm to purchase laser printers our Vectra driving reps will no longer be able to relax in a gentleman's fashion.

The company has billed the move as part of its attempts to attract more families with children. I must confess that if I was taking bookings at a hotel and somebody enquired as to the availability of porn in the room before they decide whether to bring their children, I might raise a quizzical eyebrow. Selah.

I've been critical of the 'Adult content' in British hotels for quite some time; I suspect the details of my complaint might be somewhat different.

15 July, 2007

Won't somebody think of the children? Pt2

Well, no sooner has the virtual ink dried on a post about how keen our American cousins are at taking offence at the most paltry thing that I have to reign in my contemptuos sneer and defer my patronising tutting.

Truly they are the global trendsetter, a supercilious comment about how this kind of ignorant small minded nonsense wouldn't fly in Great Britain turned to ashes in my mouth as it were when I saw this story.

Number plates featuring SN07 are banned from the streets of Edinburgh for being "offensive".

Now you may very well ask what is offensive about SN07? Perhaps it refers to some esoteric sectarian feud that still burns hot in the hearts [sic] of Edinburgh folk.

A DVLA spokesperson said "In this case, the SN07 marks would have been too similar to the word 'snot' and, as that could possibly offend some buyers, they were replaced with new TN07 registrations."

What!? Let's get this straight - we're not even talking about somebody getting offended by the word 'snot', we're protecting people from the danger of seing a selection of letters and numbers that may look a little like the word 'snot'.

If you can produce a single adult willing to stand up in front of a group of their peers and say "I find the word snot offensive" then we can solve all this by loading their sorry carcass into a canon and firing it into the centre of the sun for truly they are guilty of oxygen theft and need to die.

Readers of a sensitive disposition may want to avoid inputing the number 58008 into a pocket calculator in case they catch sight of the display reflected upside down.

10 July, 2007

Won't somebody think of the children?

The City of Keizer, Oregon is under fire for installing bollards which some residents say are phallic symbols.

52 of the posts were installed at a busy intersection in Keizer and a number of residents have complained to the city that the posts resemble male genitalia.

"I can't disagree with that," said City Manager Chris Eppley. "They certainly did not turn out the way we anticipated."

According to Eppley, the posts were ordered from a catalog. "They're a standard style," Eppley said. "I think in the right context they look fine. They just happened not to [look fine] here."

By 'here' presumably Eppley means the bollards would look fine in a town whose residents weren't emotionally undeveloped morons.

The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them, which they hope will change the look. If not, they said the posts will have to go. "If that fix doesn't work and I still think they look inappropriate, we'll have wasted $20,000 and we'll have to do something different," Eppley said.

Ha Ha! Fantastic. I'd love to have been at that meeting - where the prim god fearing folk of Keizer swallowed their nervous laughter and blushing vermillion tell the mayor that the new traffic furniture looks like a gentleman's *cough* ahem, y'know *cough*. Whilst a louche figure at the back in a red smoking jacket twirls his moustache and suggests: - "Why, if you're worried that they look like enormous engorged members, why don't we simply fit rough metal collars and heavy iron chains to them?" winking lasciviously at the pastor's wife.

09 July, 2007

Finally the rain stops

05 July, 2007

Miracle escape

When Robert Kubica emerged from a spectacular high speed crash in Montreal with nothing more than a slight concussion and a sprained ankle fans of Formula 1 were quick to praise the high standard of safety mandated in the design of grand prix cars.

It seems that we may be giving these so called designers a little too much credit, apparently the reason Kubica fared so well is a miracle. A miracle performed by the late Karol Józef Wojtyła, or Pope John Paul II to you.

And the evidence for this intervention? Kubica hails from Krakow, the late pontiff's home city.

Oh well, when you put it like that.

Kubica is remaining admirably tight-lipped about the claims. They crop up because the complicated rules governing the canonization of saints mean supporters of the canonization must acrue a body of 'evidence' of heroic virtue and a posthumous miracle. These folk are keen to fast-track Karol, 'cause he was a stand-up kinda guy.

You know what? Fuck it, make him a saint. It's your game and your ball do what you like, it's not going to make any difference to the rest of the planet if you decide that he's to be awarded the honorific Grand-high Duke of Kickass. What makes me chortle is the incredibly prim and serious business of collecting evidence, like there's some kind of methodology behind this superstitous claptrap.

Oh, and don't think I've missed the irony of them spending the rest of their day ignoring truckloads of scientific evidence that disagrees with their odd beliefs.

Some of my best friends are racing drivers

More column inches on the 'Hamilton effect'. For toe-curling fun next grand prix pay attention to references to Tiger Woods and what he did for golf. I can only assume that Steve Rider is far to polite to come out and say "Few black people currently seem to be interested in Formula 1, Lewis Hamilton's presence may increase their numbers". Mark Blundell probably would say it, but he's only got up to the bit where Spot finds a ball, and struggles with words like condescension and patronising, 'cause they're like sums innit.

The Times reports that popular minstrel P Diddy may be planning to buy a Formula One team. The rapper made the announcement to guests at a dinner to launch his new perfume, Unforgiven. “It seemed to be more than bravado on his part,” reports one guest, adding that Diddy had previously spent much of the evening huddled in a corner with Lewis Hamilton.

Poor bastard. It's hard enough work driving those cars, then you have to turn up to promote phones and watches. Then you get collared by a wealthy self-important prick who thinks money can get him whatever he wants.

And the answer is usually "yes Bernie it can".