30 March, 2006

Risk assessment

Car companies push crash-test ratings and safety features in ads because they think safety sells. But they might be better off promoting gadgets report CNN.

According to a recent survey by Consumer Reports, the highest ranked safety feature, anti-lock brakes, came in fourth in desirability after air-conditioning, a radio and a CD player.

That next most popular safety feature, side airbags, came in 11th. It ranked lower than a full-sized spare tire, cruise control and power mirrors.

Quelle fucking suprise. Anybody who's ever had a decent cruise control system knows that it's bloke nirvana - a tricked out gadget that helps laziness. Home run! And you'll really miss it when you change to a car without it. Same rules apply to climate control and a bitchin' stereo. You enjoy the benefits every single time you drive.

The survey points out the variable quality between different side airbag systems, but hey - you'll never know until it's way too late.

The trade-off between cruise control and airbags is like asking whether you'd like a free blowjob every day or a parachute.

Conceivably there'll come a day when you regret the decision but it seems unlikely right now.

28 March, 2006

Be sharp

Inspired by WhiteBoyBob's righteous bile directed at proud parents got me thinking. At the moment a Baby on Board pendant is only available for people who are desperate to reassure that, yes, they can get laid thank you very much.

Well I'm nothing if not inclusive, help yourselves - I think I've covered most people here, but suggestions as always will be stolen/ignored depending on quality. Pdf's available on request

26 March, 2006

Nissan Sunny GT ooh arr!

Police patrol officers who stopped a Mini Metro believed to have been involved in a road accident found a Shetland pony on the back seat.

Officers found the miniature pony after stopping the vehicle in the county during a routine patrol.

"It is a little unusual" said a spokesman from the force "My pigs prefer a Vauxhall Nova"

The incident was among details of traffic offences listed by Norfolk Police as part of a new road campaign.

Meanwhilst the Constabulary's Crime Reduction Department have launched a new campaign to encourage people buying second-hand vehicles to take a photograph of the seller before they hand over any cash.

The campaign is modelled on an idea developed by West Midlands Police following an increase in the number buyers who are conned into handing over thousands of pounds for vehicles which they later discover are stolen.

But it has run into difficulties with many Norfolk residents mistrustful of anybody trying to capture their soul with the "devil boxes"

21 March, 2006

Berkshire Hunt

Douglas Hill, a Hunt master from West Hanningford in Essex says he was actually 'trying to get away' when he spat at a policeman, Chelmsford Magistrates Court heard.

Hill denies assault, criminal damage and harassment, he also denied wiping a bloodied hand on the Pc's jacket and hitting two protesters with his whip.

At Chelmsford magistrates, he said he had not intentionally hit anyone as he tried to get away from a "vicious" crowd of hunt saboteurs.

"They were really trying to get me off my horse ... they are vicious people...There has been a lot happen in the past in other hunts where huntmasters have finished up in hospital. That was obviously in the back of my mind."

With a startling lack of imagination Hill didn't see how his personal fear of danger and pain, terrified, unable to get away, could be applied to any other person or animal.

He accepted that after his arrest he had signed a note of "apology" in Pc Bolton's notebook at the police station, but he said he had not read the note the officer made of their conversation and had not realised what he had signed. He denied apologising for any wrongdoing.

Pc Bolton earlier told the court he had seen Mr Hill assault two hunt saboteurs and was going to arrest him when the huntsman spat at him.

"Don't believe a word of it, he wasn't scared. They love a chase, especially if it gets a bit handy. And anyway it's an effective way of controlling the population, weed out the weak. This one admits he can't even read, it worked on the Irish in the seventies you know."

20 March, 2006

Fuel to run

What's that you say? "It's time to give something back".

There's only so much sniping about other cars and drivers one can do before it turns you into a bitter cynical wreck. The bad news is I passed that point a while back.

But the good bit is my new endeavour to catalogue, record and share the very best and worst automotive fuel based retail opportunities worldwide. Visit PitStop and you can share your reviews of the best and worst petrol stations.

And let's face it - it's probably less to do with whether they sell Optimax and have an airline than "is the beer cold and can I purchase an emergency gift that isn't branded by an oil company".

The next time you need some crumpled flowers and a bottle of Calpol, you'll thank me.

19 March, 2006

Hog wild

Good news for 'confused' hillbillys looking to express their rough tough manly stylings. As Ford release The Ford Harley-Davidson F-150.

Ford takes a F-150 SuperCab pickup and puts on a billet-style grille meant to evoke chopper brightwork, 22-inch forged aluminum wheels and plenty of Harley badges inside and out. Then slap a coat of "menacing Monotone Black" paint on it. It's the only F-150 that offers full-time all-wheel drive.

Although Harley have nothing to do with the car apart from draping their ubiquitous logo all over it, in many ways their bikes are a perfect match for the F150. Both boast 19th Century engineering (no really) and a NVH best described as agricultural.

With an endearing naivety, America is the only place left where folk think Harley-Davidsons are ridden by outlaw types, macho men evoking a spirit of the old west. An image that truck manufacturers like to tap into to make a sale too.

In the rest of the world a Harley is synonymous with City types having a crisis and flamboyant hair salon owners. It seems unlikely that Ford will bring the truck to Europe.

14 March, 2006

I'll take it in any colour as long as it's black

The Tupelo, Mississippi based American Family Association has launched a boycott of Ford Motor Co., angry that Ford continues to advertise in gay publications.

"Ford has every right to give hundreds of thousands of dollars to groups promoting homosexual marriage. But those who oppose homosexual marriage have every right not to buy automobiles made by Ford Motor Company," the AFA said in a statement on its website.

In December, Ford decided to pull advertising for its Jaguar and Land Rover luxury brands from gay publications, but then reversed course after coming under fire from gay-rights activists for having conceded to pressure from the AFA.

The AFA are also concerned with the corrosive nature of porn, gambling, science and jews.

But it's his car that defines every right thinking American Christian Man's identity.
"Ford should be about rough tough trucks for macho men with a moustache and a can-do attitude" said one deeply confused Southern Christian. "I don't want no ku-weers buying a purdy truck like me and my boys go to the wrestlin' show in...

...sometimes I like to polish it up real nice, and then I take it out and drive it down a muddy backroad. Kew-wee boy, he sure does buck underneath you, it's powerful fun."

A San Fransisco based Audi owner, who dresses with flair was quoted as saying "Closet issues, puh-lease!"

11 March, 2006

Uncontrollable German rampage

It's a familiar occurence - being tailgated by a rapid 3-series beemer, lights ablaze. At least Kevin Nicolle, 25, had an excuse after the accelerator on his BMW jammed resulting in him driving for 60 miles at speeds of 135mph.

Kevin was on the A1 near Thirsk in North Yorkshire when the car started to accelerate. "I was in tears most of the time on the phone to the police - I really could see myself dying,"

Applying the brakes kept the car at 70mph, presumably holding up other BMW's on the A1 until the notoriously fade-prone brakes gave up the ghost. Kevin attempted to put his automatic into neutral but the transmission was locked.

One can only assume that at no point anybody from the police or the AA suggested turning the key in the ignition to the 'stop the engine running' position.

The police took the car away for tests and BMW said they would carry out a full investigation, "Somehow zis man has managed to turn off ze fog lights, it is unacceptable".

Any readers undeterred by the lazy stereotyping of BMW drivers as deeply flawed lonely losers with a 'little man complex' may wish to click here to bid for Dylan Klebold's 82 BMW 320i, the very one he drove to Columbine High School.

08 March, 2006

*** Newsfelch *** Newsfelch ****

Dai Bitch!
A motorist has been fined after being caught by a speed camera taking both hands off the wheel to apply make-up while driving in north Wales.

Donna Marie Maddock, 22, was fined £200 after admitting careless driving. The court heard she was banned last week for drink-driving. Donna failed to disclose that she was simultaneously singing along to Blue whilst texting with her flaps.

Praise for 'low-crime' car park
Managers of an airport car park in the East Midlands have been given an award for reducing car crime levels.

Car crime has been almost halved at the Castle Donington site, compared with figures from the same period last year. This is the second year running that NEMA has won the Park Mark Safer Parking Award.

Jamie Christon, NEMA's general manager of retail and parking, said: "Ever since the ticket machines were vandalised beyond use reports of daylight robbery have really dropped off"

Technology felch
New technology is helping police to take illegally-driven cars off the road. West Country forces are using an Automatic Number Plate Recognition System to scan vehicle number plates.

The system then checks a database and reports whether the scanned car is untaxed, uninsured or has been involved in any crime.

The system will hopefully be upgraded to ensure that anybody displaying a numberplate with a script typeface will get a night in the cells having their fucking lights punched out.

07 March, 2006

Dodge City

In another shock survey revelation, American Scienticians reveal that armed drivers are more dangerous.

A survey of 2400 drivers carried out by David Hemenway and colleagues at the Harvard School of Public Health shows motorists who carry guns in their cars are far more likely to indulge in road rage - driving aggressively or making obscene gestures - than motorists without guns. (Accident Analysis and Prevention, DOI:10.1016/j.aap.2005.12.014).

Yet in some states it is easier than ever to own a gun and carry it in a car. In the past two decades 23 states have eased restrictions on carrying guns reveals researcher Mary Vriniotis. Police no longer have the right to ban someone they consider unsuitable from owning a gun. People now only have to pass background checks, such as the absence of criminal convictions.

In what is driverchris' contender for 2006's most world-weary understatement Vriniotis says: "Our findings indicate that the people driving around with guns in their cars are not among the most responsible and best-behaved people on the road,"

In an inflammatory statement guaranteed to anger every right thinking free American, the god-dammed commie liberal continues... "In the interests of injury and violence prevention, it probably makes more sense to tighten rather than relax restrictions on gun carrying in motor vehicles."

05 March, 2006

First add lightness. Colin Chapman

Obesity 'raises crash death risk' suggests a study in the American Journal of Public Health. The Milwaukee based team suggest male drivers with a BMI above 35 were more likely to die when involved in a car crash.

The team says this may be due to the driver's greater momentum in a crash and because of the effect obesity has on the body's ability to recover. If general anasthaesia is required they're also far more likely to die on the slab. Probably dreaming about cakes and sausage rolls.

But the bodies of moderately overweight men appear to cushion the blow, reports the Journal, so you may wish to visit the drive-thru and top up nature's airbag, the study also suggests lanky thin cunts are more likely to die.

The authors said their findings, based on crash data involving 22,000 people, had implications for vehicle design.

Yes of course you did. Your study was based in Mil-fuckin'-waukee! You probably delivered the results with a mouthful of hot wings, as beads of grease flowed down your busily moving mouths. What is the most natural reaction to the news that your morbidly obese frame is endagering your life every time you haul it onto the collapsed seat of your Buick? Yes the one with the fucked shocks weeping oil as it rocks on it's tortured springs. "There must be a problem with vehicle design" of course, what a fucking genius - thinking that hard it's no wonder you're sweating. Constantly.

"Technology will save us, we can design our way around any trifling problems, say did somebody mention trifle?" This is why cars now weigh three tons and a gargantuan engine is required for very average performance. Cunts. You're spoiling it for everyone.

02 March, 2006

Now with strap-on holders

DETROIT, March 1 - Both General Motors and Ford said Wednesday they would scale back production in the second quarter, a move that reflects their falling sales and shrinking market share in the United States.

As has been the case for much of the last year, Asian automakers' sales grew steadily last month. Honda's sales rose the most, with an 8.7 percent increase. Toyota, which has become accustomed to double-digit monthly gains, had a more modest 2.4 percent increase last month. Some industry insiders are ascribing this success to ever more niche marketed autos.

As part of this move towards focused "lifestyle brands" Toyota proudly unveiled the Lesbian MINI yesterday. Mmm that's a butch lady!