29 November, 2005

Welsh scientists drill world's smallest hole

Researchers at Cardiff University's Manufacturing Engineering Centre have managed to drill holes in steel as small as 22 microns (0.022 mm) in diameter using a electro-discharge machining (EDM) process, and reckon they could be the smallest ever achieved. Reports the Register.

EDM is also known as "spark machining" and basically involves machining conductive materials using sparks discharged from an electrode. The Cardiff Uni EDM process uses a six micron diameter electrode. A spokesman says: "The holes we are now drilling in Cardiff with the electro-discharge machining process could be the smallest in the world. This is a welcome riposte to people who typify the Welsh as a unsophisticted."

Cardiff University is now seeking funding for a programme to breed teensy-weensy ponies and budgerigars.

25 November, 2005

This season's must chav accessory

Damn the proles and their label obsessed little lives. Years of careful sponsorship and brand building turn to shit in a matter of seconds when some stinking peasant-captain appears on Trisha wearing Hackett, suddenly it's the dimwit-cover of choice, and after a two week sales rise sweatshops all over the Far East crank up production of Blurberry and Reebak to feed the market stalls.

Even worse news for enthusiasts of shiny must-have technology, it's the latest battleground for street respect, as reported by Tech Digest's Telewest Shiny Awards for the most Chav Gadget

So what's the gadget du jour for our Burberry-clad, tracky-wearing Daniela/Goldie Looking Chain wannabees? Here's the nominations. They'll let us know which is this year's Must-Chav gadget on Friday December 2nd.

Motorola RAZR
Apple iPod shuffle
Nokia 8880
Nintendo DS
Sega iDog
Motorola/oakley RAZRWIRE
Sony PSP

So if you own any of the above you have either enjoyed your moment on the cutting edge, or are a chav. (WBB?)
And if you own more than one of the above, I'd seriously reconsider walking home through the rough council estate.

22 November, 2005

Business news

UK leisure firm Hilton Group has confirmed it is in talks with US near namesake Hilton Hotels Corporation about the sale of its hotel business. The companies are separate concerns, with Hilton Hotels Corporation running Hilton hotels in the US, while Hilton Group owns those outside America.

Hilton Group said talks were going on, but cautioned that the deal was not yet completed. Shares in Hilton closed 13.3% higher at 345.50 pence on Friday. "The board confirms that it has received an indicative offer from Hilton Hotels Corporation, which it is currently evaluating," Hilton Group said in a statement.

A senior manager at the London Hilton who wished to remain unamed was upbeat. "When the boss dies we'll be working hard to line Paris Hilton's pockets. Great, perhaps she'd like another accesory lapdog, or an Indian boy to blow coke up her jewel encrusted vag whilst somebody tries to explain how a simple door works. Perhaps I could work myself to death helping to ensure nothing interupts her sleepy doe-eyed world as a hired ex-reality hunk fucks her noisily - daydreaming of his tell-all special on Fox."

"Excuse me, I need to find some even cheaper illegal labour for the night cleaning staff, we must keep the share price up or Paris won't get her new toys."

21 November, 2005

Zut alors, ferme la port!

We all know that nobody quite does insouciance quite like the French, but every now and again someone raises the bar when it comes to not giving a fuck for the consequences.

Sandrine Helene Sellies, 34 has admitted attempting to open an airplane door mid-flight so that she could smoke a cigarette. Sellies, who has a fear of flying, like all good citizens had drunk alcohol and taken sleeping tablets ahead of the flight from Hong Kong to Brisbane.

She was seen on the Cathay Pacific plane walking towards a door with an unlit cigarette and a lighter. She then began tampering with the emergency exit until she was stopped by a flight attendant.

Sandrine, we salute you! Please make yourself known to the check-in staff.

18 November, 2005

Monkey see

A group of US legal representatives has asked the major Hollywood studios to add anti-smoking announcements to all upcoming DVDs that depict smoking.
Attorneys general from 32 states signed a letter that cited research suggesting youngsters who see films depicting smoking were likelier to take it up.
"We're urging [studios] to do more," said Maryland's J Joseph Curran Jr.

"There are already a growing number of Policemen and women who break the rules, go against authority and end up shooting wildly, killing all the suspects. They'll usually finish with a fucking moronic quip to their partner, huddling under a blanket with one arm in a sling. Who do think is responsible for that? Movies that's who!"

J Joseph Curran Jr went on to state in a gravelly voice that "In a world gone mad, they looked to one person for hope, for leadership. Only he could protect them."

Curran then went back to his double level Ranch style house in Maryland, where his wife fellated him for 4 minutes, he then performed a perfunctory act of cunnilingus for 2 minutes accompanied by his wife's unconvincing moans. After 5 minutes of joyless mechanical thrusting including a reverse-cowboy. Curran's wife entreated him to "Fuck my ass! Fuck my my hot ass!" 2 minutes later Curran withdrew and covered his wife's face and hair with ejaculate as he grimaced in apparent pleasure.

Last year the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) rejected a proposal that would see films that feature smoking carry an adult rating.

16 November, 2005

US 'troubled' by Iraq abuse claim

Washington has said it is troubled by the alleged abuse of more than 170 detainees held by Iraqi security forces in Baghdad and backs an investigation.
The prisoners, many malnourished and some showing signs of apparent torture, were found by US troops on Sunday.

"It's terrible, I'd typify the abuse as amateurish and lacking imagination" said Wyoming National Guardsman Trey Klimt. "Shit, they hadn't even stripped them naked, there was no attempt to demean them sexually. It's worrying that we aren't closer to position where we can hand things over to the Iraqi authorities."

While the US insists that it does not condone torture, it has lobbied against legislation that would ban all inhumane treatment of detainees. Some senior officials have argued that the CIA should be exempt.

A report by pressure group Human Rights Watch earlier this year said methods used by Iraqi police included beating detainees with cables, hanging them from their wrists for long periods and giving electric shocks to sensitive parts of the body.

There's a crisp ten pound note ready to wing it's way to anyone who can name a part of the human body not sensitive to electric shocks.

14 November, 2005

Pat Robertson "God hates smart alecs"

US Christian evangelist Pat Robertson has told a Pennsylvania town not to ask for God's help if disaster strikes after it voted against teaching intelligent design.

Pat Robertson told his TV show that the town had turned its back on God.
"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city."

Hopefully theological theory this jaw-droppingly stupid will help Christians with a little common sense to prevail over a whole new brand of idiocy stalking the pulpit. If not, then you're welcome to this barking madness. We'll be at the back reading books, designing circuit boards, telescopes and the like. The world of religion can go hurtling into the dark ages. Enjoy

Last summer Mr Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuelan Present Hugo Chavez, who is a vocal critic of President George W Bush.

10 November, 2005

Shit on your own doorstep

Police are reporting a significant drop in violence Urban violence has subsided for a third night in France, with fewer cars set ablaze and curfews in force in just five administrative areas.
Youths clashed with police in the southern city of Toulouse and sporadic violence was reported elsewhere. But calm reigned in the Paris area, where the riots began on 27 October.

As per usual the poor, downtrodden masses forced into a ghetto of poverty and resultant crime arose, inspired by an arbitrary flashpoint incident. They then proceeded to destroy their local environment and neighbours' cars.

And in keeping with every riot ever perpertrated by an underclass the world over, well-off people on the other side of town clucked a little and got on with tea.

Top tip: Get a bus over to Swanky Heights and raise a little hell, you'll get noticed a lot quicker. And it's more fun.

Police reported 394 vehicles set ablaze on Wednesday night, compared with Sunday's peak of 1,400. Reports that the disturbance was started by French auto execs, are unconfirmed.

08 November, 2005

Wont somebody think of the children?

Prepare to soil yourself laughing - BBC news presenters including Natasha Kaplinsky and Dermot Murnaghan are to perform rock band Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody for Children in Need.

Fiona Bruce and Bill Turnbull are among those to dress up in long-haired wigs and Lycra suits to "headbang" along to the rock hit.

How about next year we organise a 5 minute film to be shown just after Eastenders and Coronation Street. It simply shows that there are still thousands of children in this country and around the world who could benefit from our charity. Some are deprived and some are in real danger, please give generously.

Or we could continue with another grotesque clusterfuck of self regarding "personalities" playing the charity card to enjoy a great cross-platform promotion for their BBC Enterprises book and series. All scripted and directed by a twat thrown out of Footlights for being unfunny and derivative. That one off Birds of a Feather will shit on a glass coffee table for the chance of an appearance, I checked with her agent.

Kaplinsky told the Radio Times: "This is a chance to show everybody that we can have a laugh, too."
She added: "For the rest of the year our job is to be serious. I think that's why people enjoy watching us.
"Every year, I say: 'This is the last time I'm going to make such a fool of myself'. And every year I find myself coming back for more humiliation

04 November, 2005

Refuge: noun. A place providing protection or shelter

The US Senate has voted to allow oil drilling in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Senators narrowly rejected a Democratic attempt to halt the plan, which President Bush supports.
Senators also voted overwhelmingly to prohibit exporting any of the oil pumped from the region.

President George W Bush praised the Senate for backing a "common sense approach" to improving the US energy situation. Reports that this weekend Bush is planning to skull-fuck a baby seal whilst taking a shit on an oil painting are as yet unconfirmed.

02 November, 2005

The people's puddle

The troubled Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain is to come under scrutiny from a government committee. The fountain, which cost almost £4m, first opened in July 2004. Officials from the Department for Culture, Media and Sport and the Royal Parks will face questions from the Public Accounts Committee (PAC).

The monument in Hyde Park could be described as witless and moronic beyond belief, consisting of a superficial visual impact and no underlying intelligence or idea. PAC members are want to know how they encapsulated the Princesses' qualities so completely. "It cost a fortune and does fuck-all - they've really captured her spirit" said one emotional MP yesterday.

For safety reasons visitors are now allowed only to dip their hands and feet into the water, to be annointed with the spiritual blessing of our Lady of Knightsbridge.

Truly she was a Candle in the wind (tm), one of those candles from a craft shop: A relic of darker, less intelligent times. Now merely decorative. But still costs a bundle.

01 November, 2005

A cute stunt, or astute...

A student died after being hurled by a catapult in an extreme sports stunt, an inquest has been told.

Obviously with the season hotting up competition is getting fiercer in the Darwin Awards.

Oxford University student Kostydin Yankov, 19, suffered multiple injuries when he missed a net after being flung from a medieval-style catapult, in an appalling example of just how stupid intelligent people can be.

Mr Yankov [sic] was part of the university extreme sports club - the Oxford Stunt Factory.

The inquest, which is expected to last for three days, was adjourned until Tuesday.

Mr Yankov was a first year student of bio-chemistry, not Mechanical Engineering or Divinity then.