28 February, 2007

10 giveaways whilst driving that may mean you are in fact involved in a high speed chase

  • Your tyres are squealing on every corner. Even on grass.

  • Just when you think you're going really fast, you look across to another car and forcefully select another, even higher gear!

  • When you look into the rear-view mirror you notice that your eyes are narrowing in a really cool way.

  • You are listening to either Spybreak by the Propellerheads, or fast pickin' banjo music.

  • You got into the car having slid across the bonnet.

  • Even though you are driving a 1.8 litre straight four, as you drive by one could swear it sounds like a small block V8.

  • You keep looking at the speedo as it climbs quickly past the legal limit for this road.

  • You're gonna prove that Esposito is involved in cocaine importation godammit! (smacks dashboard).

  • You are in split screen.

  • Quick, cut through that alley. That one. The one with the boxes.

25 February, 2007

Where's the beef?

Sometimes I'm just about as happy and proud to be British as the next cynical misanthrope, and then at other times I feel as a fish out of water, someone who belongs in another culture entirely.

Imagine my awe, and let's not beat around the bush, jealousy upon learning that an American tire [sic] dealer is in the habit of giving away free beef when you buy tires!

Yup, the good folk at Les Schwab are thanking the customer and honouring that great nations farmers and ranchers by giving away $1 million of beefy goodness. As Les himself says in this glorious clip "A big extra at no extra charge"

$7.50 worth of free beef with 2 new passenger or pickup tires or 4 retreads.
$15.00 worth of free beef with 4 new passenger or pickup tires.

And I'm guessing $7.50 buys you a whole lot more meat in the heart of the midwest that it would at Tesco Milton Keynes.

What next, free tofu and a skinny chai tea latte when you have your Prius cleaned at California outlets?

22 February, 2007

Work smarter, not harder

In the imortal words of Jimbo Jones "Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we ever had!"

In a world of ever increasing traffic density we must all look to new technology to ease the burden. People like Jeremy Parrott 37, of Burnham on Sea, Somerset are leading the way. Jezza was questioned by officers after posting footage on YouTube that showed him apparently reaching speeds of up to 100mph on his Yamaha R1 past the local primary school.

Mr Parrott deserves a special mention as his auteur skills meant he not only framed the speedo nice and big, but he started and finished his little trip from home, allowing plod to track him down with very little of their oh so famous footwork.

All the way from the antipodes 22 year old Maurice John is embracing Web2.0 to cleanse the streets of dimwits. When the Melbourne force found his Nissan 200SX to be un-roadworthy they generously gave him an hour to take his wheels home rather than get a tow.

Spurning such generosity Maurice removed his ticket and 'rocked all night' the words he used when bragging about his exploits in a web chatroom later. When OzPlod caught up with him shortly thereafter they naturally found a whole heap of other infractions and duly the book was thrown.

Hopefully the trend for chavs to self publicise their idiocy will continue, and we can clear the streets with even less effort - perhaps a range of Max Power neon underlighters that illuminate when a car is untaxed? £50 to you squire, yes they do fit a Saxo.

15 February, 2007

The blue, blue meanies

And so the rumour mill turns. Richard E. Kelly, the man behind cult classic Donnie Darko, announces he has been "hired by Fox to write a big action film for [FAMOUS DIRECTOR], it is a remake of a film released in 1971..."

What big action film was released in '71? Well "Vanishing Point" for one. (and if you aren't familiar with it you really do need to click here). Fox released a version of "Vanishing Point" in 1997 and we can only presume have some form of rights to the flick.

We all know Barry Newman's Kowalski, was supporting cast - the lead role going to the gorgeous E-body Challenger. Is it too much to hope for a remake that will feature the new Challenger, soon to be made in that bolthole for counter-culture dropouts Canada.

I mean, who could possibly take a car-based cult film and screw it up?


12 February, 2007

You ain't from round here boy

Clarkson's stock in trade is lazy stereotypes and deliberately confrontational reactionary posing. Typically it's very funny until it's about your favourite thing. Stateside petrolhead reaction to the Top Gear roadtrip seems to be along the lines of "I used to really like his stuff but now he's insulted my country everything has changed". Well fella's I think finally you may have got the joke. Better get in line with a rock, there appears to be a queue forming.

Suggestions for their next ker-razy stunt?

06 February, 2007

The answer to a question nobody asked

Sometimes when an entrepreneur finds a niche that hasn't been filled they can develop a product or service that fits, and laugh all the way to the bank. The money bank.

And other times they should sit back and carefully ask themselves "is there a reason why nobody has made a product like this before?". Perhaps because it's a stupid idea. To quote Derek Smalls, Spinal Tap bassist, "We fill a much needed void"

The Can Am Spyder launches on Feb 9th, but there's a preview site here. Can you imagine the fun you could have? A combination of driving a car and riding a motorcycle, darting into traffic jams, and staying there as the rain runs down your neck. Enjoying the sensation of cornering completely flat like a car, but without the power oversteer.

And just to put the final hole below the project's waterline if they were hoping to clean up in that huge market segment of folk who want to ride something a little like a motorbike but can't learn how to (or don't want to) The New York Times notes that in most jurisdictions [the rider] will require a motorcycle license.

Oh dear.

02 February, 2007

Saved by the chavalry

Could be bad news for anybody who's just bought an Aston Martin, *ahem* you know who you are - Germany's weekly Autobild reports that French luxury-goods company LVMH Moet Hennessy Louis Vuitton SA is set to buy Ford Motor Co.'s Aston Martin brand although it was reluctant to give its sources.

The U.S. automaker will retain a 15% stake in the European luxury brand, which is part of Ford's Premium Automotive Group, the report said. The report didn't elaborate on any financial details.

Can we expect every girl band who have recently been plucked from Tesco to sport matching Pink Vantages soon? If they can manage the brand as well as Louis Vuitton, soon every car supermarket in the land will be flooded with cheap Chinese knock-offs. Let's face it - when you see LV luggage you imediately think class.