Pure energy

Pimp my ride

I can remember way back in the mists of time now, when the family climbed a step in the social pecking order by having a sunroof retrospectively fitted to our gold Vauxhall Astra. It was a mere triplex laminated rectangle of glass, able to positioned at a jaunty angle or removed completely but it was a status symbol. And it also allowed you to drive at just the right speed to create an upsetting resonant turbulence in the cabin.

We didn't actually watch the procedure - there are some things you don't want to see attacked with a set of hydraulic tin snips, and in the absence of Davina McCall they went for the Astra.

Of course times have changed and these days having a sunroof is an indicator that perhaps things haven't worked out quite as well as they might, unable to afford climate control eh?

Or so I thought. Apparently not, as this enterprising individual is selling self-adhesive fake sunroofs. As the man says

High Status at a very low price !!! A CAR WITH A SUNROOF LOOKS EXTREMELY GOOD!!!

And if you can't trust somebody who leaves the Caps Lock on and employs multiple exclamation marks these days, then who can you believe?

Real men ride Italian twins

I had my hoverbike in for attention today - new thrusting plates on the eliptical flange jet outlets.




So I took a new Bimota DB6 Delerio out for a quick schpin.


Swing a leg over and it feels like the bike has been tailored by Italian artisans for me. With feet flat on the deck I'm sat inside the bike snug as the proverbial rug based bug.

What a hoot! Nice big gobs of Ducati torque delivered with an inimitable basso profundo thump. Lovely wide bars and an eager chassis meant it felt like I could place it exactly where I wanted and enjoy carving through corners.

But what a weird riding position!

The simplest way I can put it is like this...

Sat in the official Police Rider 'smuggling an ironing board in the jacket' straight-backed pose, but with my legs folded up like some kinda weird origami. Very strange.

I enjoyed seeing a bit more of my local lanes from the upright stance but the lower body thing? And it seems that there's only one acceptable riding position - moving my body around in the saddle was not on the cards. Buffeting and neck strain were typically strong as speeds rose too; you don't appreciate a fairing 'til you don't have one.

Enormous fun, and there are probably plenty of roads where a better rider than me could leave more sporty tackle way behind, but...

...by god they're not cheap...


...and every casting, tube, moulding and detail on the bugger is so gorgeous, so aesthetically pleasant that it would break my heart to see it succumb to corrosion, cack and weather.

I shall have to buy one park it in the front room and enjoy it there.

Wallpaper for all

Available in sizes ranging from, acceptable monitor size sir to are we trying to compensate for shortcomings in another area? Also known as the size designers demand as a bare minimum. In fact I'll need two of them, there's a helluva lot of palettes in the new PhotoShop.

Do I not like that

Apologies, I'm slow on the uptake what can I say. It finally clicked this weekend, I understand what the offer is, what the Formula 1 circus represents these days. Smarter folk worked it out long ago I'm sure but I was hampered by the lingering memory of great drives from the likes of Senna, Piquet, Schumacher et al going further back than I care to remember sometimes. When was the last time you saw a really inspirational piece of driving in formula 1? I mean inspiring driving, not smart tactics in qualifying or clever work in the pitlane where thinking on their feet got their boy out in front despite the performance shortfall but actual driving..

The performance of the car, nowadays referred to as the 'package' because of it's almost mystical dependance on the black arts of tyre compound and aero technology is so finely tuned that there is no longer any area for a creative driver to express their skills - these things are optimised to the nth degree. They look like they corner on rails because they do. It's amazing stuff and weird to actually watch; you stand at the entry to Copse and it seems as if the laws of physics have been suspended. Very impressive but the downside is that between extreme aerodynamics, faultless sequential gearchanges and the rest of it nobody battles on the track - we'll leave that for the pitlane, the drawing board and the lawyers interpretation of the rule book.

What formula 1 reminds me of more than anything else now is the popular PC game Championship Manager. I boggled when I first saw it - a football game that doesn't show football - but the genius behind it's huge success tapped into a resounding truth in football fandom. For those who are unfamiliar with it, when you play championship manager you take on the role of manager of a football team. Well duh. But the telling part is that after you have made your deals, briefed your players and so forth the match takes place on an empty screen - the work has been done, algorithms will take care of the rest.

Football fans hoard a staggering amount of detailed statistical information about their sport, and they all reckon they could manage the national team if in some fantastic moment the job fell into their laps. CM removes the (exciting fabulous, but nevertheless distracting spectacle of the) actual matches and concentrates on the deals and the wrangling that occurs for the rest of the time that isn't those hallowed 90 minutes.

Between Bernie, Oswald's lad, Ron, Jean, Flav and the rest of that parliament of whores they've managed to excise all the sport out of the driving and site it firmly in the paddock. Their perfect employees are clean cut timepiece salesmen always available for an enthusiastic endorsement for whatever fragrance or mortgage product they're shilling for. If only they'd sell us the spectacle of great driving.

This is motorsport today and it's a dam shame, because I love to see drivers fighting it out on the track.*


*unless it's Plato and Neal - they just get on my tits. Pair of cunts.

STOP in the name of love

Police in Sioux Falls, South Dakota arrested a 60-year-old man for six charges of indecent exposure.

A man who may find the design of this blog a little too exciting, as Police discovered the perp, Verle Peter Dills, possesed a “large amount” of 8mm and VHS video of Dills engaged in masturbation and sex acts with traffic signs.

Police spokesman Loren McManus revealed “We don’t know how long he’s been doing this,” and that Dills is being held in the Minnehaha County jail on $100,000 cash bail.

$100K may seem a little steep for a victimless crime, but locals fear the signs could have featured wildlife, or worse, schoolchildren.