Downer

TRENTON, New Jersey (AP) -- Leo Sternbach, the inventor of a new class of tranquilizers including Valium, has died at his home in North Carolina. He was 97.

The family are said to be surprisingly relaxed about it.

That'll learn him

An 11-year-old boy who was caught behind the wheel of a BMW has been disqualified from driving for a year.

Police in Andover, Hants, stopped a car in August because its headlights were not on, Basingstoke Youth Court heard.

Officers noticed the driver was "very short" and when they signalled for the car to stop it crossed over into the other lane just missing a lamppost.

When he was caught, the boy claimed he owned the car, did not realise he needed a licence and that he knew how to drive.

He claimed he had swapped the BMW for his mini-motorbike with a man he had met in Winchester.

Clarke to 'eliminate disrespect'

Charles Clarke has vowed to eliminate disrespect in society by the time of the next general election.

Speaking ahead of his speech in Brighton, Mr Clarke said it was impossible to force people to have respect for each other.

But he said there were steps politicians could take, such as demanding props from all his homies.

The "respect agenda" is a key priority for Tony Blair's key third term.

Mr Clarke told BBC Radio 4's Today programme that he hoped to see greater respect for his "fine-ass bitches, or some mutha-fuckin wannabe playa's going to get a beat down dawg. Y'know what I'm sayin?"

What an age we live in

Beautifully designed natch - the new iPod nano from Apple means we now have the ability to gather all of Joss Stone's musical output in one place and tell her to shove it up her arse!

These stolen moments

Team driverchris has moved into new premises with *shock* no interweb facilities.

Sarcasm will be restored as soon as possible, in the meanwhilst I'm off to get some fresh air.

Polls apart

Poll: Bush approval at 39 percent. Reports CNN

Who cares? Does George care? He's in his second term, he can't be re-elected so why not use the lame duck end of the party to fill UN and judicial positions with your ultra-conservative fundamentalist friends to help out the next guy? Voters will judge Bush a success or failure President not the Republican party.

Instead of the customary Presidential Library honouring his term Dubya will unveil a stack of DVDs and some paperbacks by that Da Vinci code guy.

Driverchris will be away for a while.

Up yours Thatcher!

Campaigners have targeted a Birmingham firm which they say makes "shackles" used at the Guantanamo Bay camp. Comedian Mark Thomas joined protesters in orange jumpsuits from pressure group Reprieve outside the headquarters of Hiatts in Birmingham. The handcuff makers, established in 1780, are refusing to comment.

Comedian Mark Thomas. Hmmm, I can't actually remember the last time he said anything funny.

Whilst his heart may be in the right place Thomas has become a righteously indignant sixth-form activist with the political insight of a fifteen year old shouting "fascist bastards" at his parents for sending him to bed without his pudding.

Handcuffs are just that, a device for cuffing hands. We could investigate the motivation and justifications of a regime that employs them to restrain prisoners held without trial.

Or we could save the air fare and bus a load of well meaning idiots to Brum to wave placards in front of a small manufacturing business. I look forward to his next coruscating triumph, picketing the small firm that makes the laces in their boots. That's right Bush, tremble.

Shameful stereotyping

Mum thrilled to find son in jail

The mother of an Australian man feared dead in the hurricane-devastated US city of New Orleans says she is relieved that her son was found in a US jail. Ashley McDonald from Melbourne, was arrested last week.

His mother arrived off a plane in Nashville, Tennessee, to learn her son was safe and well in a Louisiana prison. She was told the news by her daughter Jasmine Mutnansky.

Sharon Thomas said: "As soon as I got off the plane at Nashville, Jasmine met us and said he was in jail - we were rapt."

His location in prison was given to the delighted family when Australian Federal Police called and said: "Good news - he got arrested."

The final Ashes Test Match starts today.

The Fuel on the hill

Fuel protesters brought the country to a standstill in 2000. Five years later, some are threatening to do it again. Can they succeed?

Farmer and haulier Andrew Spence, who was an organiser of the People's Fuel Lobby in the north of England during 2000, says fuel prices have risen by 14% in a month.

Mr Spence, who claims to represent a group called the Fuel Lobby, is threatening to blockade all UK refineries on 14 September unless prices come down.

Rhys Park, of Less Tax on Fuel, says he intends to meet farmers and hauliers in south Wales at the end of the week to discuss what action should be taken.

And Farmers For Action chairman David Handley also says "something needs to be done".

Those who know driverchris, will also know that you'd have to go a long way to find a bigger 'petrolhead', the clue is in the name after all. But I struggle to understand the fuel lobby and their grievance.

We live in a fully paid-up capitalist market economy, I'm not over the moon about that but there we go. Some people have drawn an arbitrary line in the sand and decided that when fuel costs more than 12 Flanian Pobble Beads a pint they are justified in acts of civil disobediance.

Yes Mr Handley "something needs to be done", but I haven't been reading about hauliers converting fleets of wagons to LPG, or parents in rural areas organising school-run car pooling, or anybody doing fuck-all to change their consumption patterns.

Driverchris is a mug, don't tell Gordon Brown but he'll actually pay £5 a litre - 'cos he fuckin loves cars and motorbikes. Shit. Every spare sheckel in his life ends up being spent on petrol one way or another, either directly or by other people lapping Brands Hatch. You other drivers need to take a big fuckin' reality pill, wake up and smell the petrol fumes if you feel otherwise.

think of the children

Disturbing research last week revealed that all abducted and murdered children were characterised as angelic and beyond reproach by their families.

Researchers failed to find a single child victim described as rude, overbearing or unpleasant in the slightest.

The conclusion that bringing up polite well adjusted children imperils them sent a shockwave of fear through parents.

"I'm teaching my son to discriminate against the Welsh" said one mother who wished to remain anonymous yesterday.

Others were reluctant to risk such a half-hearted approach. "My six year old daughter is the most precious thing there is" said a proud and defiant father, "That's why on Monday, she's going to school wearing a Nazi armband, and she'll call the headmistress a cunt too".

Driverchris was described as "a loner, who very much kept himself to himself" yesterday.

Bra Wars - a new hope?

BEIJING - European and Chinese negotiators reached a deal Monday to unblock millions of Chinese garments held up at European ports, and China's trade minister said he hoped for an early settlement.

There are still millions of low-cost bras and knickers in bonded warehouses throughout Europe awaiting their fate. At such a difficult time it is the consumers of these lower valued garments who will suffer. But help is at hand.

Rich toffs are being urged to donate bras and knickers to the driverchris depot for redistribution throughout the realm. And in an act of eco-friendly solidarity donors are requested to do their bit for global warming by wearing the items for an extra day first. And not washing them. And if you could go for a bike ride whilst thinking about firemen first that would be great.

Rack 'em out

Cocaine use is continuing to rise in England and Wales according to new Home Office research.

The drug is now the second most popular after cannabis, with more than three-quarters of a million people saying they have used it in the last year.

They're also saying, "that they've just had a, wait no, I gotta tell you this idea I've had. No shut up listen. It's brilliant really you'll piss yourself. What if we, I mean humans, not us, well not you and me but people... wait. No it's gone. But it was really good yeah? Whose round is it? Fuck off is it! Oh shit yeah well... oh wait that was it..fancy a bump?"

Home Office research blames the "rather moorish" nature of the social stimulant.

ride the wild cliche

A post where driverchris' sometime roving reporter, WhiteboyBob touched upon bad advertising on his eponymous blog has obviously been keenly read by John Camm.

John is also tired of lazy, cliche ridden advertising and has compiled a list of offending cliches. "It's tiresome to see characters in adverts who don't resemble anyone you know," he says. "But what's perhaps worse is the absolute reliance of advertising on its own regurgitated cliches." I've cherry picked a few that I find particularly annoying.


4. Mums are often harassed but NEVER depressed/unable to cope.

7. Anyone with a scientific career will have a bad haircut and dreadful clothes.

8. If you work for the emergency services, you are a better person than the general population.

11. Women have jobs they never do in real life, e.g. dockworker (who looks like a model).

14. Men are inherently lazy/slobbish; women are the reverse.

15. Chocolate, however, will cause women to immediately fall into the languor of the opium eater.

22. Children know more than adults.

The groovy fellas at tvcream have compiled a similar list of the cliches of television drama here.

the quality of mercy is strained

Big Brother contestant Makosi Musambasi, who is threatened with deportation, has said: "Terrorists are treated better than me."

She lost her right to stay in the country when she resigned from her job as a trainee in the cardiac unit of High Wycombe Hospital, Bucks, to appear on a television programme. Because of her resignation Ms Musambasi's working visa has been curtailed. She must leave the country or appeal.

"A lot of illegal immigrants are paid to stay in this country and are fed by taxpayers," she continued. "I am here paying my taxes and working but I'm treated like a thug."

Ms Musambasi was stopped by police on Monday over a driving matter, when immigration officials questioned her about her visa.

"Terrorists don't even go through that," she said.

Ms Musambasi said she hoped to return to nursing but said she could not go back yet because she had "a lot of magazine and TV things coming up" and that she could "a lot for charity". "I couldn't walk back onto a ward now - instead of reversing heart attacks, I would cause heart attacks"

Ms Musambasi came third in a television game show earlier this month.