Take me to your dealer

Word reaches the 'car buyer databank' here at driverchris towers that the Captain of Beef is looking to buy a motah. Words subsequently confirmed by WhiteBoyBob himself (for it is he).

Yes, the least disturbing thing about this post is that I actually find conversations about other people buying cars interesting.

Captain Beefheart has been fiddling with the gadgets on a variety of models, with one eye on comfort for Mrs Beef and another looking to accomodation for the new Beefster (if it's a girl you can call it Patty!), and ample room for these outdoorsy types to store their Beef Wellingtons.

But as we all know, one part of the car buying process that can make or break it for you is the after-sales care. And I think this is where Vancouver Toyota really stand out from the crowd.

Click here to discover how far they'll go to ensure you're satisfied.

Court on camera

Are there no more heroes? Where are the lionhearted knights of yore? Not dissapeared, they have but slumbered. Idris Francis, from West Meon, Hampshire, and Gerard O'Halloran, from London have accepted the baton and are taking their fight to Europe.

Both these plucky motorists claim British laws affect the right to a fair trial. European judges are being asked to rule in a case requiring car owners to reveal details of who was driving a vehicle caught speeding on camera. The pair insist it is a breach of their right to silence.

We can only hope that upon arrival at the European Court of Human Rights, they bump into, say, an orphan driven from home by a militia that systematically raped and killed a whole family, or a dissident jailed and tortured by a regime - and decide to grow up.

You broke the law. Now do your punishment. Grow the fuck up. Just because there may be a way to weasel out of your conviction doesn't mean you have to grab it with both hands, how about taking a little bit of responsibilty? I know it's out of fashion these days.

If this pair are successful, oh joyous day, the upshot will be desperately hasty legislation (the best kind you'll agree) to close the loopholes - kneejerk rulings that will errode your civil rights forever. Something to be hoped for eh?

If there's any kind of cosmic justice on the steps of the courthouse one of their family members will be mown down by a drunken driver who then successfully claims diplomatic immunity.

Too fast to race

Much as I like the look of race-rep bikes there's always a part of me that resents paying, especially when it means paying a premium, to advertise someone else's wares. I mean just how much of a victim do you want to be?

Of course what this situation needs is an injection of post-modern retro-cool. And if you can read that last sentence without wanting to climb a tower with a high-powered rifle then good luck to you. Nevertheless I've cobbled together some examples of livery that I think would look pretty bitchin' on a Superbike.

FBI operatives looking at these will be able to construct a fairly accurate picture of my age, and if you don't know what the hell I'm on about, then you have only my sympathy - for you have missed out on the era known as 'Group B'

Crikey!

Rocketing *ahem* into pole position for the coveted position of 'bits they'll be editing out of previous editions of Top Gear really fucking soon before a repeat goes out', are these two gems concerning previous stunts...

Jeremy Clarkson (for it is he): "So, um, I guess he could be dead!"

James May: "Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so..."

Clarkson: "Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was..."

Clarkson: "If you go though the pearly gates, backwards, in a ball of fire, that's a cool way to die!"

Richard Hammond: "I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! 'Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"

We all hope the Hamster pulls through. God forbid he dies and grief stricken fans start snapping the aeriels off Corvette Stingrays.

Branson Prickle

According to reports from the BBC tedious self publicist Sir Richard Branson is to invest $3bn to fight global warming.

The Virgin boss said he would commit all profits from his travel firms, such as airline Virgin Atlantic and Virgin Trains, over the next 10 years.

Quite where the Beeb got the figure of $3 billion from is anybody's guess - if the accounts are run like the rest of tricky Dicky's Virgin companies there'll be a suspicious lack of profits to go with the headline grabbing PR puff.

"We must rapidly wean ourselves off our dependence on coal and fossil fuels," Sir Richard said. The massive benefits to global climate that will be reaped from the daring innovative launch of yet another low cost airline - Virgin Express are clearly not enough...

...the tiresome media-obsessed prick has now launched Virgin Galactic, an opportunity to burn previously undreamed of quantities of aviation fuel to take wealthy idiots to the edge of space for no particular reason.

Branson's commitment to environmental responsibility is reminiscent of Ian Huntley's attitude to childcare, only slightly more repellant.

Move over Rover and let Henry take over

In yet another piece of inspired business thinking that's bound to put those pesky Japs on the back foot Ford have secured the rights to the Rover name.

Those fools at Nanjing Automobile merely secured the tooling, plant and rights to build the cars for a pittance. They didn't get the main prize - the fabled treasure of Longbridge; women lust after it's seductive power, men want to be near it. The Rover badge.

It's the perfect business move for a company who are in what high level financiers playfully refer to as Shit Street. They probably call it leveraging their synergy.

"It is in the interest of the business to do this" said a Ford spokesman. "We're not ready to say what we plan to do with the Rover name." Ford declined to say how much the transaction was worth.

Rumours of a price of 79p, and talk of going for a song, indicate that Ford's procurement department may actually have been trying to buy The Irish Rover on iTunes for a leaving party compilation CD instead.



Picture courtesy of B3ta - where all the pics you get sent come from.

I see you've played knifey spooney before

Swiss utility knife manufacturer Wenger present the Giant Knife Version 1.0.

Featuring 85 tools (see the full list here) you'll need deep pockets in every sense to own one of these. Not only is it a convenient 8.75 inches wide, it'll set you back a cool 1,200 dollars.

Perfect for removing a horse lodged in a boy scouts foot.

Handbags

I'm lovin' it

If you're the socially responsible type - or just a busybody who sticks their damn nose into everything, you can go here and register your disaproval at McDonald's promoting Hummers to children in their Happy Meals.

Even better you can use the sign-o-matic to display your pithy right-on message. Take that global capitalism!

Alternatively you could amuse yourself with puerile jokes.

I do believe I'm Dodge material

It was a very different world back then. What in retrospect seems like a thick seam of, if not downright misogyny then at least sexism in car advertising, was of course the acme of cool at the time.

But it seems a slightly more frantic kind of mind was *ahem* beavering away at Dodge. Starting back in the glory days with some mildly provocative innuendo - easily seen across the whole of the advertising world - and not just in the auto sector let's remember. It rapidly spiralled into less subtle subtexts until in the disco cocaine fuelled seventies the ad creative concerned was asked to clear his desk.

Lane discipline, the hard way

Reports in The Times suggest that congestion on motorways can be reduced by using the hard-shoulder as a fourth lane as a cheap alternative to road widening. Proponents say the scheme will increase capacity by a third at a fraction of the cost of building an extra lane, if a pilot scheme proves successful.

Drivers who break down on the motorway will be able to pull into new emergency refuges, built at 500-metre intervals. Access to the hard shoulder will be controlled via a series of gantries, sensors under the road surface detect congestion and alert a control centre. Screens on the gantries will direct drivers to use the hard shoulder.

Goodness, that does sound like a cheap solution. A nationwide project to build lay-bys and fit the network with embedded sensors and screens.

There is a cheaper - dare I suggest free solution, already being employed all over France and Germany. Pull the fuck over! Pull over you monumental cunt. Just learn to drive and if everyone joins in all our journeys will be swift.

Of course under my system there will be a roving patrol of enforcement vehicles and snipers posted on bridges.

Pimpmobile

A vehicle used by the late Pope John Paul II during his Scottish visit in 1982 has been sold for 37,000 pounds.

The converted British Leyland vehicle, which has just 11,000 miles on the clock, was sold at auction in Dumfries.

Auction house Thomson Roddick said no details of the buyer were immediately available. Auctioneer Sybelle Thomson said the level of interest in the sale had been overwhelming.

She said there had been inquiries from all around the world. Some observers believe that the vehicle has been secured by Vatican theologians, as Leyland vehicles from this period are strong examples of Unintelligible Design - the theory that a vehicle like an Austin Princess contains such a complex collection of awful styling, materials and execution that it simply couldn't be the work of mere man and indicates the work of a higher power.

They suspect that the vehicle is already being stripped by a crack team of Opus Dave in the Vatican lock-up, searching for confirmation of the tenets of Unintelligible Design - that Jesus' descendants settled in the Midlands.

A spokesperson was unavailable to comment on the question of why a pious man of unshakable faith in a God of love and compassion requires 25 tons of armour plate and bulletproof glass on his runabout.