I love the smell of....

As regular readers will know I'm a fan of in car air fresheners, showing you this rather awesome number in the past, and even coming up with some new Magic Tree suggestions. I think the good folk at Magic Tree must have misplaced my number, as I haven't heard back.

But these offerings pale in comparison with the new air-freshener on the block. This badass rules.


There is no indication of what the fragrance is... any ideas?

Film Club - Two-Lane Blacktop

Finally granted a domestic release this month Two-Lane Blacktop finds it's way into my DVD player struggling under a weight of expectation.

It can be tough finally seeing a film that has been denied for many years, I remember my initial disappointment seeing A Clockwork Orange in a Koh Phan Ghan beach bar many moons ago, perhaps I expected something more. TLB struggled to get a video release only because during the fag end of the sixties when it was made none of the groovy heads involved thought to secure soundtrack rights. A real drag man.

I'm glad to say that on this occasion I'm not disappointed. As a long time fan of sparse contemplative movies that don't feel the need to either swamp you with exposition or reward you with an explosion every 5 minutes it hits the spot. You'll never see a major studio picture these days confident enough to give a film this much space to breath. When there is dialogue and action it's usually focused on core American muscle cars - you may want to watch this on one of the evenings that your wife goes out.

If there's a female about to cry foul that "actually I love muscle cars, and widswept New Mexico vistas circa 1971" then I'd love to hear from you. If you're taking time out from your lingerie modelling to help out at your father's brewery - then do please get in touch.

If you enjoyed Vanishing Point, Le Mans, Gas, Food Lodging and Dazed & Confused then give Two-Lane Blacktop a go.

Commandments

Taking a leaf out of the Pope's book, and ignoring the many disastrous problems at home to go wading into somebody else's business (thanks for the tip roo) automakers have offered up some suggested guidelines to the catholic church, aimed at improving their performance.

1. There are maintenance tasks that you can perform that will prevent problems occuring - don't put a crazy ban on your customers performing these because you'd like to see more of them.
   
   
2. There are these scary customers with long hair and glossy lips, smell kinda funny. These are women and apparently they have rights and make decisions now. Get over it.
   
   
3. If a car has a chronic failure, a tie-rod that keeps failing, de-laminating tyres, or perhaps the car repeatedly sexually abuses children you really should perform a recall.
   
   
4. The public will notice if you re-badge the vehicle at attempt to sell it in another market. They'll quickly pick up on the trail of broken tie-rods, faulty tyres and sexually abused children.
   
   
5. Trying to cover up the fault, or even blame the victim is craven and lacks class.
   
   
6. We tried those talking cars in the eighties - turns out nobody likes taking orders from imaginary things that don't really exist.
   
   
7. Fresh coffee, newspapers, maybe even a playstation. Improve the facilities in the dealership/church and maybe you'd get fewer complaints. Can't hurt.
   
   
8. Nobody likes the feeling that they're being screwed over by a big organisation that is just a sleazy excuse for chiseling money out of people who don't know any better. Trust us on this.
   
   
9. I can't emphasise enough - you need to stop sexually abusing kids. I know you enjoy it but it really puts people off.
   
   
10. Pushy salesmen, that is so 17th Century - celebrity endorsement is the future, ask Tom Cruise.
    

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-----Original Message-----
From: driverchris
Sent: 17 June 2007 17:56
To: Duty Office


Can you please tone down the Lewis Hamilton apreciation show please.

I'm a British fan who enjoys watching British drivers do well, but I'm
actually a fan of motorsport. I have been for years. The fawning
coverage is putting me right off, and every other motorsport fan I know
too.

Perhaps you wish to attract the kind of brainless nationalistic idiot
audience that seems to typify other sports, I don't know, but it's making
me cringe. Why don't you just get James Allen to fellate the boy and get
it over with.

On air now

RadioLe Mans. Broadcasting now, windows media player required.

SkyDigital viewers can listen on channel 0157

He is the messiah!

Well done Lewis Hamilton. You drove the car round and came first. You still seem like a nice young man and it's apparent you've worked hard to achieve your success.

Just one last favour? Could you please ask the meejah types to shut the fuck up about you for five fucking seconds. It used to just be James 'bellowing idiocy' Allen but now everybody has jumped on board. I watch motorsport because I enjoy watching motorsport oddly enough, involving a range of teams and drivers with all sorts of backgrounds. We can bear slightly more complexity than Mark Blundell earnestly telling Steve Rider "duh brown boy is Engerland innit, he done driven fasterer round duh windy roads. Eng-er-land!" I know it's cute watching Blundell furrow his brow as he tries to remember his "special words, what are hard, like sums" but please.

Get ready for the inevitable backlash, for as surely as newspaper writers are lazy venal idiots there will be one. And when some earnest talking head asks "Oh why do we have to knock successful people in this country?" you can tell them "because you spent six months telling me that he shits diamond cufflinks and can heal animals with his rainbow vision."

Click here

How the Triumph Rocket 3 is made

Captain slow

It's pretty clear that Top Gear needs an overhaul. The whole format is starting to look as limp and tired as Ron Jeremy at the end of a long working day. Too many stunts that bear absolutely no relation to motoring whatsoever and too many films of Jezza in a 4x4 gushing over how rough and manly soldiers are (is there anything you'd like to tell us J?) are just a couple of the problems.

But how much should you mess with a successful product? Well on a show where two out of three of the presenters have become cartoons of themselves you have to hand it to May - he possesses an easy manner and charm that is refreshing.

Any doubt can be dispelled watching this clip of him in suave action on Gordon Ramsey's show. Marvel as he effortlessly makes Ramsey look like a noisy fool. Like they said about another James who used to drive a Bentley "Men want to be him, women want to be with him"

Could you direct me to the nearest gun shop?

Arggh! Must stop channeling Richard Littlejohn... I can feel the dread words "You couldn't make it up" rising like so much bile in my throat even now.

I have a particular fondness virulent hatred for the obvious corporate PR fluff piece lazily recycled as NEWS. When that corporate PR is in the form of a 'survey which shows XX% of Britons...' then it's a fair bet that I am to be found ranting like a Littlejohn think-piece on why the darkies are ruining everything. Be very scared then - this latest example is both of those with an additional cherry on top, mind bending stupidity. This place is going to hell in a handcart I tell you.

Many British motorists are lost when it comes to understanding common road signs, a survey suggests. 67% of people polled did not recognise "no through road" signs, and one-third could not identify the sign for "no motor vehicles".

Fewer than 33% knew what a "no cycling" sign looked like and one-third were confused by height restriction signs car manufacturer Vauxhall discovered.

Rather than settle with the story "Huge number of drivers are dangerously uninformed, appear strangley proud" Vauxhall's publicist had the genius idea of asking the unwashed hordes what new roadsigns they'd like to see. Holy shitting christ! These answers scare me witless, the tacit implication of what people think roadsigns are actually for followed by the damming reality of what they'd like to see signposted...

• cash machine nearby
• urban foxes crossing

The next most popular new signs motorists wanted to see were ones warning drivers to be more environmentally friendly by switching off their engines - for instance, outside schools while waiting to collect children.

Other popular suggestions were:

• Wifi hotspot
• Healthy eating zone - indicating places where healthy food is on offer
• Drive-thru approaching
• Up-to-date children-crossing signs - with the boy wearing a hoodie;
• Beware of skateboarders.

Simon Ewart, of carmaker Vauxhall, said: "...our research shows that there is a need to contemporise the road landscape to mirror the needs of modern motorists. We've all been on wild goose chases looking for cash machines. A new road sign could save endless hours searching the streets."