News drought

News agencies and reporters in south-east England are being urged to bring in bans on hosepipe stories to avoid the introduction of more extreme measures.

A report from the Environment Agency made the recommendation, saying the region was in a "serious situation".

The period from October 2004 to January 2006, should have seen a stream of soft-news stories about local characters and good hearted charitable stunts, but it was the driest in some parts of the South East since 1921.

Some commentators blame the drip drip effect of stories about the mismanagement of previously nationalised utilites. "I keep reading about senior management's huge pay deals whilst bills are getting bigger said one journalist. "They are trying to stop the stories, but the structure is so underfunded there's just no way to stop all of the leaks. Facts inevitably trickle out all over the place, it's very embarassing."

Sources at the government press office are less concerned. "The World Cup starts soon in Germany. The red-tops will be chock full of shite for the peasants, and the broadsheets can bemoan the bigotted attitudes of the fans. We could bury a story about Prescott skull-fucking a dead horse."

Hot laps

There's a flashy Italian bandwagon in town. Perhaps inspired by Acer's Ferrari branded laptop Asus bring you the Lamborghini branded notebook.

They've dropped some hints about what's inside. Asus confirmed this week that the machine will be based on Intel's Centrino Duo platform, and said it will contain more than 1GB of memory and a hard drive offering over 120GB.

The VX1 will incorporate a 15in display, Asus said, and claimed it will nonetheless weigh less than "most" 14in notebooks.

The computer sports a red light on its lid, built into the raised section that's said by Asus' designers to reflect the tail-end and grille of a 1970 Lamborghini Miura. The red glow, they add, suggests the car's brake light.

If this is more than just a cheap styling exercise but a genuine attempt to embrace Lamborghini's traditional brand values into computing, then users unfamiliar with the marques history may be in for a few surprises.

The notebook opens with the screen lifting up in a convoluted 'scissor swing' action that denotes mere hinges are for inferior types. Let's start her up. Lambo's starting have always been compared with an electric drill that soon turns to a mechanical din, and the VX1 is no different, everybody on the train will know you are a laptop user of style and distinction. Even in other carriages.

Visibility is somewhat limited by the styling, but when it looks this good, who's going to quibble about viewing the screen through a louvred slot 3 inches deep? And you'll need to concentrate when your operating a thoroughbred like this. The electrics are a little on the temperamental side, and it's not recommended that you put it in the same room as a glass of water, but Italian brio has never been about practicality.

Or reliability. A lot of Lamborghini's end up crashing, and the VX1 is the same, but you'll probably be glad of the break - the keyboard is offset by 36 degrees clockwise and was obviously designed by Jeremy Beadle. Not one for long documents!

A company official revealed Asus expects the machine to be priced between £1599 and £1799 when it ships.
Three days after you buy it expect it to be worth £25. Truly it's a Lamborghini!

Those diary leeks

November 14th
(Acohol units 6 v. bad, foxes 3, v. good)
The firm are sending me to China, cripes what a bore! Last chance to go out with piggy and bag a few. She kept on at the fags and I got annoyed and had too many cherry brandy's. Must try harder.

November 15th
(Acohol units 4 , foxes 0, v.v. bad)
Bloody firm won't let me take the plane. Have to slum it in first on BA. Bugger. Have a couple of glasses of bubbly and catch up with Polo news, I know I shouldn't have to work when I'm travelling, but that is how dedicated I am. Treat self to extra pud, piggy says I am too thin.

November 16th
(Acohol units 5 bad, pandas 1, v.v. good)
Funny looking chappie meets me off plane. Papa says not to stay too long in case I catch slitty eyes - worried about how much time pops is spending with Harry. Could be worse I suppose at least it's not Ed.

On the QT the head chink took us out to bag some sport after tea. Pandas are very slow creatures and the black and white markings mean they stand out like Harry at a Mensa meeting, I shot one whilst it's cub looked on - great sport! Can't wait to tell piggy. When her blood's up she lets me touch her saddle bits.

November 17th
(Acohol units 0 good, pandas 0, v. bad)
Had to listen to some boring slitty eyed types again, they are terrible old waxworks and no mistake. I have decided to become a political dissident type. Cripes piggy will be surprised! I am like a modern day Che Guevara, or Lech Walesa. I will struggle against the forces of oppression to free the people.

Mummy will be pleased.

Don't drop the soap in the showers that don't exist

David Irving, the discredited historian and Nazi apologist, was last night starting a three-year prison sentence in Vienna for denying the Holocaust and the gas chambers of Auschwitz.

Europe's recently much vaunted freedom of speech - it's glorious tradition of allowing dissent, however offensive, stupid or plain wrong does not exist. Irving espressed an opinion and was jailed for his trouble. Is it important that what he wrote is a twisted anti-semetic load of cock?

It's precisely when a big fat blowhard with shit for brains says something you find appalling that you need to test these things. It's only a principle when the decision is hard, the rest of the time it's a convenience.

The next time you hear somebody loftily say that although they "do not agree with you, they will defend to the death your right to say it" 99 times out of a hundred you're listening to a lying self-agrandising shit.

The lexicon of loon

In further evidence that misguided idiocy knows no boundaries, Iranian bakers are taking inspiration from the American right who renamed French fries and toast "freedom fries" and "freedom toast" at cafeterias in the US House of Representatives. At the time most sane folk dismissed the gesture with a skyward glance and a muttered "only in America, tsch"

However, in a gesture that will warm the heart of anyone who believes we can all be brought together by stupid gestures bakeries in Tehran are no longer stocking popular Danish pastries. Customers will now have to ask for "Roses of the Prophet Muhammad".

To help pick your way through confusing menus and newspapers wherever you holiday this year driverchris brings you the Loony Planet guide to fundamentalist neologism across the world.

French fries - Freedom fries

British Bulldog - English lapdog
English fair play - Take that raghead!
French horn - Top shelf euro porn
Turkish delight - Another dozen suspects to rough up Tariq

Danish pastry - Roses of the Prophet Muhammad
Norwegian Wood - Yusuf al jangly
Swedish meatballs - The juicy breasts of 72 virgins
Dutch oven - Breath of the dying infidel
German Bight - Jihad increasing, westerly, good

Concentrate, here comes the science bit

A lorry driver has been found after being kidnapped by robbers from a motorway service station. The victim was hit on the head and bundled into a van by two masked men at Sandbach northbound services on the M6 in Cheshire on Wednesday afternoon.

A third man drove away his load of L'Oreal beauty products. The driver was found unharmed in Warrington later that afternoon and his trailer was found burnt out near the M61 at Aspul, Greater Manchester.

His silver and blue DAF lorry, with white curtain-sided trailer and marked Francis Transport was taken with its load of 31 pallets. Their value is not known.

Presumably their value is unknown because in a beauty based interpretation of Schrodinger's famous thought experiment - whilst on a pallet it's an emulsion of fat and water with some perfumes added; whearas on the shelf in Harvey Nichols it becomes more expensive gram for gram than Gold.

At the moment, the stolen products are existing in a quantum state of dual value, until the waveform collapses and they reappear at a car boot sale - two for a fiver.

The robbers were believed to have employed cosh-firming technology using pro-smackinol A, developed by Laborotoire Dave.

And the reason? Because they're worth it.

for the ages

"All culture is ultimately revealed in it's lowest forms. When archaeologists are digging up civilizations, they're basically finding the Styrofoam cups of an ancient era. They're not finding copies of Schindler's List or Picassos. It's bizarre that everyone seems to think that the way to understand a lost culture is through the most basic tools of that culture - spoons, knives, forks, whatever - and if you really apply that to contemporary culture, that means that everything that's in the Seven Eleven is actually what explains life as we're living it now. You could bomb everything else, just leave the Seven Eleven and that would be your most accurate museum of what life currently is."

Philip Brophy

Please kill me!

A Devon pensioner's digital television box started a sea search operation when it sent out a distress signal. The emergency signal was picked up in Scotland at RAF Kinloss. The base alerted coastguards at Falmouth who sent out two lifeboat rescue teams.

Mary Donaldson, 67, from Wembury near Plymouth, said she had no idea her Freeview box sent the signal until her home was traced by Ofcom.

A similar incident in Portsmouth in January also started a sea search.

The current thoery being offered by technicians investigating is that the set top boxes picked up on possible plans to view the new 'soft chat' show hosted by Davina McAll and made a frantic bid for help.

Donaldson was aghast. "I just mentioned that it'll probably be a car crash of unrelenting idiocy, compelling in it's awfulness. The crow-faced moron magnet's got Vernon Kay as a guest for christing piss sake!"

Public disinformation

Make your children aware of rouge Askeys. They particularly prey on man-made fibres but are willing to deal slow, squeaky Allegro based death to any unprepared child.

West country giant Dave Prowse may not be available to help your child.

Teach them of the dangers of Askey and quantic steering wheels.

I like women, but Walt disnae

Disney has regained the rights to the cartoon character Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, the forerunner to Mickey Mouse.

The character was created in 1927 by Walt Disney.

Clad in a distinctive black shirt, Oswald and his gang of "Mosely Mice" would attack left-wingers with barrel staves in a series of animated shorts like "Triumph of the will", "Strength through joy" and "It's all the fault of the Jews".

Canyonero

Londoners are the Britons most likely to buy 4x4 vehicles, one of the findings of a new survey by The AA.

About 16% of London motorists plan to buy an off-road vehicle in the next year, twice as many as Scottish drivers.

The reason most often cited for taking Henrietta and Tarquin to school in a 2 tonne four wheel drive mud plugger is safety. You can't help imagine the streets would be safer for children to walk to school if there were less leviathan cars being inexpertly driven by slack cunted morons wearing headscarves.

It is everybody's right to choose a vehicle that they like. They've worked hard and earned the money. Good for them. Here's a simple solution. Random spot tests on driving ability. If you can't parallel park your vehicle into a generous space within 90 seconds you lose.

The nations schoolgates will be a nirvana of clean air and empty streets within a year.

e-fit up

A crime victim has criticised a police e-fit of a suspect saying although the thief had an unusual appearance he "didn't look that odd".

Publican Kim Rule, joint licensee of The Grebe in Stalham, Norfolk, said she was hoping officers would release a new picture of the burglary suspect. The man is thought to have been involved in stealing two small safes from the pub on Sunday.

Nobody is quite sure which is the more worrying explanation:

1 The Norfolk Constabulary have defrauded the money they were given for computers (presumably because it is the magic of the wookie hole) and instead use prit-stick and magazines.
More evidence here

2 There are people in Norfolk who look like this

3 Marty Feldman and Hitler had a camp lovechild

shandycam

Japanese camera maker Nikon has tripled its profits in the last quarter from 5.9bn Yen to 19.8bn on the back of strong sales of digital cameras that automatically focus on human faces.

Nikon has seen strong sales of its digital SLR cameras with interchangeable lenses and bodies and noted that sales of compact digital cameras have been boosted by the success of new face recognition models.

In a tacit aknowledgement that pornography is now the driving force in technology development Nikon will be adding their "upskirt mode" to forthcoming models, metering flash and white balance accordingly.

Sony have quickly responded with an addition to their "Cyber-shot" range. The "Money-shot" offers class leading flash refresh rates combined with pin-sharp capture. The press kit claims it will freeze the moment beautifully as thick pearlescent ropes cover glasses and hair.

Rumours that they are developing a follow up to the popular DCR-PC350 MiniDV Handycam that integrates a slap-bass sequencer and wah-wah are as yet unconfirmed.

I want to believe Pt.2

It is reassuring to report that credulous idiocy is not confined to purely religious matters. People are pefectly willing to race towards moronic conclusions in the secular world too. When Barney Broom began renovating his cottage he discovered a dusty jar in the attic. A jar containing what could best be described as a model of an alien creature.

The delicate 30cm (12 inch) figure of a baby alien is stored in a liquid and has a serial number painted on its four-toed foot. Sculpted from a clay-like substance and painted grey, the model resembles the popular cliched image of extra-terrestrial life. The alien was discovered stored in an old toffee jar wrapped in a copy of the Daily Mirror dating from October 1947.

Some believe the model was left in the loft by a US serviceman working at a nearby US air base. Mr Broom's cottage at Gunthorpe is 45 miles from two large US air bases at RAF Lakenheath and RAF Mildenhall.

Mr Broom reported his finding to the Sci Fi Channel, who called in Professor Adam Roberts, an expert in science fiction literature, to examine the creature.

"The easy thing to do is dismiss it all and say it's a hoax. It may be or may not be," said Prof Roberts. "The fact that it was found near a US air base suggests there may be a military component to it."

Prof Roberts admitted it could be a film prop dating from the 1960s, but said he was not surprised at US denials: "That is the US air force line. They deny these alien encounters. It is quite possible they concoct stories to cover up for more nefarious activities."

With that kind of rigourous academic mind one can only assume Roberts became an expert in Sci-Fi literature whilst searching for the coupon to send away for his PhD. If memory serves it was usually to be found between the x-ray glasses and the sea monkeys.

All I wanna do... is make you shut up

Cyclist Lance Armstrong and singer Sheryl Crow have said they are separating, five months after announcing their engagement.

A joint statement gave no reason for the "very tough decision", and they appealed for privacy "at this very difficult time".

Armstrong, 34, who has won the Tour de France a record seven times, has been married once before. World famous for feats of stamina and endurance against all odds, Armstrong said there's only so many fucking times I can hear that tune about the carwash and drinking suds. For fucks sake woman.

Seedy CD artwork

An Arctic Monkeys spokesman has defended the band's album cover, after it was criticised for showing a man smoking a cigarette.

Dr Laurence Gruer of NHS Health Scotland said the chart-topping album's cover "reinforces the idea that smoking is OK", he told the Herald newspaper.

Dr Gruer recognises the sad truth that kids these days will basically imitate any image that they see. Unquestioning hordes now queue up for a "2o deck of tabs" just like their new favourite band.

Startling evidence from the driverchris archive backs up this common sense finding.

The Beatles: Yesterday and Today
Now a rare, sought-after LP. This artwork was withdrawn after driverchris was found draped in dolls parts and meat. Wearing a lab coat. Note the fab four's jovial expressions. They don't give a damn about the kids. Scousers.



Rage against the machine: Killing in the name
Combined with the halucinatory quality of a second-hand copy of "Wish you were here" picked up at the church jumble RATM's breakthrough hit album was resposible for driverchris shaving his head. And then self-immolating in protest at not getting a new skateboard.


So in conclusion, Derren Brown is a charlatan, and people will do whatever you put on the front of an album cover. Under no circumstances whatever should any house contain this album (click at your own risk).

Chuck prefers an older carcase

Prince Charles has said it is a "tragedy" that mutton had fallen out of favour. The Prince of Wales spoke at the Ritz, London during a dinner to launch the Mutton Renaissance Club.

A revival of mutton could give a boost to under-pressure sheep farmers and help sustain traditional countryside life, Prince Charles has said.

"These are the people who make our countryside utterly unique and these are the people for whom I will do everything in my power to help and that is why we are here tonight."

The Prince is well known for eschewing the easy temptations of a tender young bird, preferring an older piece of meat.

I want to believe

Locals flocked to the pet shop, Water Aquatic, in the village of Waterfoot near Bury this week after it was noticed that the markings on a two-year-old albino Oscar fish resembled the Arabic script for Allah.

That the other side of the fish appeared to be inscribed with the word Muhammad only served to compound the spectacle. As few local journalists read Arabic Mohammed Riaz-Shahid, 38, manager of the Oasis Fast Food restaurant across the road was appointed interpreter. He led the chorus of claims that this was a message from above.

"There's no doubt about it," he said. "The markings are clear to see. Allah on one side, Muhammad on the other. Christians, Jews - they all believe in God," he explained. "So God's showing a sign to everyone, a sign that he's here."

Peter Hurst, 17, concurred. "It's a sign of something - no doubt - probably God," he said. "It's amazing, especially for this time of year."

You've gotta love that last throwaway comment. January's usually a slow time for terrestrial manifestations of omniscient powers. Generally it picks up around March in the Bury area.

Hurst declined to reveal what the usual season was for desperately credulous idiots.

The fish has so far remained silent.

*** Newsfelch *** Newsfelch ****

Holding a stiff net up in the news breeze.

159mph Pc's acquittal overturned
Pc Mark Milton as had his acquittal for speeding and dangerous driving overturned.
Milton was recorded doing 159mph in December 2003 but was cleared after the court heard he was "familiarising" himself with a new car.

Residents in West Mercia say: "Thank Fuck for that - they've just received new truncheons"


Cartoon outrage hits Danish export business
A series of cartoons in the Danish press depicting the Prophet Muhammad have caused offence throughout the Middle East. Shoppers in Saudi Arabia have been urged not to buy Danish goods. The makers of Danish Bacon remain unfazed.


Bush warns of addiction
President George W Bush has warned the US must break its "addiction" to oil, in his State of the Union address. He said the US was too reliant on oil, often from "unstable" countries, and had to find alternatives.

Former roomate Chuck Bradley reported yesterday that it reminded him of the time Dubya decided they couldn't rely on that flaky mexican at college for weed. And should like totally grow their own in a cupboard man. Heh heh heh.

Packet of three engines

Great news for model airplane enthusiasts and drivers of French cars! A California research institute has come up with a tiny engine powered by rubber bands and such - SRI International of California has developed an elastic internal combustion engine.

SRI has been working on portable engines for the US Army. Although designed for robots and spy-planes, they could also be used in hybrid cars, lawnmowers and gadgets, according to a patent filed by the company.

Conventional internal combustion engines rely on a piston moving inside a cylinder. Big ones are efficient because gas leakage round the piston wastes only a small percentage of the total power. But in smaller engines the leakage loss is proportionately high, so efficiency is poor.

SRI claim their design prevents leakage altogether. It burns fuel inside a sealed cylinder made from a tough elastic material. As the hot gases expand, the cylinder itself swells like a balloon then returns elastically to its original shape. A crank arm resting on the outside of the cylinder generates mechanical power.

Efficiency is high and heat is also dissipated effectively because the cylinder walls become temporarily thinner as the cylinder swells.

Read the rubbery combustion patent here